


The Nightmare That He Lived

by horrorgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Confusion, Fear, Fluff, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Nightmares, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 12:06:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7102573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorgirl/pseuds/horrorgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Since his return from hell, Dean has suffered from horrific nightmares...only he doesn't know it. He doesn't know that the reason Cas watches him sleep is so that he can stop Dean from falling into a downward spiral. When things go from bad to worse...Cas asks himself if he will be able to help Dean forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Nightmare That He Lived

The pain in his shoulders had faded long ago, he had adjusted to being strapped with his arms above his head. He didn't even know how long he had been there. Time had no meaning. He would hear the words 'night' and 'day' being tossed around, but he knew that down here, there was no such thing. He assumed that 'day' was when they were there, cutting, burning, and taunting. 'Night' must be when they left him alone with his thoughts. He'd learned to tune out the tortured cries that reverberated against every hard surface and echoed into the dark. As horrific as he'd expected this to be, he had no way of knowing how much worse the reality was. Just by the nature of his birthright, he was on display and viewed as some type of prize. They all wanted their turn with him. They all wanted to say that they'd had a hand in torturing Dean Winchester, but it was Alastair who had the honors.

Each visit from Alastair began the same way, "And how are we today, Dean?" he would hiss, his grotesque mouth just inches from Dean's ear. The straps that held his chin and forehead in place made it impossible for him to turn away from the sound. He'd eventually stopped flinching. He never responded. He never said a word. Alastair would make what sounded like polite conversation while he cataloged his tools and decided what he wanted to do first. His favorite subject was Sam, Dean's baby brother. 

"Ah, Dean Winchester, you traded your soul for young Sam's life, but do you think he'd do the same for you? No? I didn't think so. He did run off to college and left you with your father, not exactly the actions of a loving brother. But once again, he gets to live his life without carrying the dead weight of his worthless older brother and his pathetic father. I do see your father from time to time. Maybe someday I'll tell him that you send your regards. Now, where should we start today?"

And the onslaught of pain would begin. Dull knives, boiling oil, acid, and the continuous rantings regarding Dean's failures as a human. Still, he never said a word. When Alastair would finally bore of Dean he would say the same thing. He would offer to remove his restraints and let him down off of the rack, but only on the condition that Dean would stand by his side and become his protege. 

It wasn't until Alastair started to make vulgar remarks about Dean's mother that he finally agreed, and stepped down.

Dean acknowledging that he had a natural skill for bringing about pain and suffering was it's own form of torture. The fact that he found satisfaction in it was incomprehensible. He accepted his self loathing, and tortured soul after soul as they were brought to him, always with encouragement and praise from Alastair. 

That is until the day that something dark wrapped itself so tightly around him that he thought that he might suffocate. As suddenly as it had appeared, it disappeared. He struggled to breathe as he opened his eyes. He was alone. Alastair was gone, the souls were gone, the racks were gone, and his body felt palpable and real. He reached out in the dark and his fingertips scraped against rough wood in all directions. He pushed against the planks above him and felt them give, dirt falling through the cracks. He didn't have much space, but he found a way to leverage his shoulder against the wood and used every ounce of strength to push upwards. The planks gave and he was covered in dirt, earthly dirt. He reached a hand as far as it would go and broke through the layer of earth and grass. He felt a small wind pick up and blow past his fingers under the warmth of the sun. He reached up his other hand, and straining every muscle that he had, he pulled his body out of his earthly grave. 

Nobody returned from the dead intact after four months, and certainly nobody returned from hell. Nobody except for Dean Winchester.

\--------------------------

It didn't take long for Dean to discover that he had been rescued from hell by an angel, the angel Castiel. It didn't take long for Dean to discover that the angels had their own agenda and had their own use for him. The Winchesters had single handedly taken hunting to a whole new level.

\-------------------------

Hunting...the word brings about visuals of pickup trucks and camouflage. To Sam and Dean Winchester it was something else entirely. Hunting was a life, and it wasn't about deer or pheasant. They hunted the creepy things that go bump in the night, the things that people only read about in books or see in movies. They lost their mother to a demon when Dean was just four years old, and Sam was a baby. John Winchester spent the rest of his days dragging his sons from one random town to the next, staying in cheap motels, and teaching them things that no child should know. His goal was to avenge the death of Mary Winchester. Dean took to the life, some people said that he was born angry. It wasn't hard for his father to convince him that by killing things, they were saving people. Sam never quite seemed to fit. Sam was sensitive and asked too many questions, so it was no surprise when he left the life and went to college. No surprise to anyone other than Dean. Dean had spent his entire life trying to protect Sam, and that loyalty to his brother was how he ended up in hell. Just like Alastair had said, Dean traded his soul for Sam's life, just as their father had traded his soul for Dean's life. But, that was years ago. Although the introduction of demons and angels upped the stakes of the game, the Winchesters were still hunters, and they were the best.

\---------------------------

The life they lived was complicated. It was was widely known in their underground world that hunters didn't form attachments to anyone other than other hunters. That is until Castiel entered their lives. Nobody could exactly pin point the moment that Castiel became a part of them. Maybe it was the first time that Dean called him 'Cas' and made him feel like something other than a warrior just waiting for a holy war to begin. His lack of humanity was obnoxious yet endearing, and it didn't take long for him to work his way into their fold. They simply got used to him. He had some valuable abilities and an obvious attachment to Dean. Through Cas they learned that angels were not the fluffy winged do-gooders that people expected, and heaven was not always paradise. Through the Winchesters Cas learned about rock music, alcohol, and loyalty.

\---------------------------

The Winchester brothers...when they entered a room, people took notice. Sam was 6' 4" with shaggy brown hair and understanding puppy dog eyes. He had a broad friendly grin that brought his dimples to the surface. He was a bit awkward, but in a way that women found adorable. Dean was moody and brooding. The contrast of his dark hair and bright green eyes drew attention from both women and men. Sam was safe and comforting whereas Dean was walking sex appeal and anger. That's why they made a good team. But Cas? Cas was a nerdy guy in a cheap suit and trenchcoat. He was every bit as attractive as the brothers with his bluer than blue eyes and full lips, but he was a wallflower, and perfectly happy to hide behind them. 

\----------------------------

The boys still lived off of greasy diner food in cheap motels, either running credit card scams or hustling pool. They still traveled the country, looking for cases, fighting the fight. The Winchesters had seen things that other hunters had only heard about. 

\--------------------------

Cas had always been a bit unsure about where he fit into the Winchester's lives. Dean had a short fuse and never hesitated to let him know how he felt. Although Dean was grateful that Cas had pulled him from the pit, he never felt like he owed him anything. He'd never asked for Cas's help, and in his own way, he paid a price to be rescued. But no matter how tense things got between Cas and Dean, Cas always came back. Dean was right, he didn't owe Cas anything. Cas owed Dean.

\-------------------------

The nightmares didn't always come every night anymore, but they still came. Cas knew that he was to blame when he would place his hand on Dean's chest or wipe the sweat from Dean's brow. He did what he could to replace the horrific visions with something that would bring Dean peace, but he often wondered what happened on the nights when he wasn't there. Even from a distance he could feel Dean's torment. It was a constant reminder that in their own way, angels were no better than demons. 

\-------------------------

"Cas, you know that I think it's creepy when you watch me sleep." Dean said, his eyes still closed against the sun filtering in through the cheap curtains.

"I am aware, Dean."

"But, you do it anyway." Dean sat up on the edge of the bed and ran his hands down his face. He needed coffee. He could hear the shower running and knew that by the time that Sam was done, there wouldn't be any hot water left. These motels were all the same. He banged on the bathroom door, "Sammy! Meet us at the diner!" then pulled his boots on and grabbed his wallet. He didn't bother to ask Cas if he was coming. Cas almost always went where Dean went and there was something strangely comforting about that, not that Dean would ever admit it. He knew that Sam thought that Cas was in love with him, hell, everybody thought that Cas was in love with him, but that's not how Dean saw things. They had a bond, that was irrefutable, but that didn't mean that Cas had romantic feelings. Cas didn't even have sexual feelings, how could he have romantic feelings? Cas followed Dean to the diner that was attached to the motel and slid into the booth across from him. Dean was on his second cup of coffee when Sam finally showed up and sat down next to Cas. 

Sam signaled the waitress and she gave Cas a questioning look. He just shook his head. Although he didn't need to eat or drink, sometimes Dean would ask him to order something anyway for appearances. Dean was distracted this morning. Cas had gotten to the motel late last night and found him in the throes of a nightmare. He knew that Dean spent the rest of the night tossing and turning. He looked down at the table miserably, barely hearing what Sam and Dean were talking about.

\-------------------------

That night, Dean had another nightmare. Although they seemed to be coming less frequently, they were becoming more intense. Sometimes Cas wondered if the day would come when he couldn't help Dean at all anymore. He sat on the edge of the bed, one hand on Dean's chest and the other on his brow. Dean finally seemed to fall into a calm sleep, but Cas didn't dare move. He just watched Dean's face change from twisted to peaceful and listened to his cries fade. 

That's when Sam woke up.

"Cas?" he whispered.

"Sshhh, Sam. He needs to sleep."

Sam rubbed his eyes and just watched Cas sit with his brother.

Cas knew that Sam was going to ask for an explanation, and Cas would have to tell him the truth. The entire truth. His only hope was that Sam wouldn't tell Dean what he had been doing. Dean mumbled softly in his sleep and rolled away from Cas's hands. Cas knew that the nightmare was over. He looked at Sam and nodded at the door. Sam threw his clothes on and followed Cas outside.

"Um, Cas, what in the hell was that?"

"Sam, Dean has nightmares. Horrible nightmares. He's been having them for awhile."

"Cas, I sleep in a bed five feet away from the guy almost every night and I've never heard him...oh..."

"I feel responsible for him, Sam. I try to replace the nightmares with dreams. Please don't tell Dean. He can't know." Cas said quietly.

"Why would you feel responsible for his nightmares?"

Cas looked down at his feet, "How much has Dean told you about the time he spent in hell?"

"We talked about it once. He never brought it up again and I never asked. Is that what this is about? He's having nightmares about when he was in hell?"

"Yes and no, Sam. The demon who tortured Dean, the demon who eventually taught Dean how to torture was named Alastair. Heaven was in chaos when Dean came back. I believed my superiors when they told me that Alastair had information regarding some angel killings, so he was captured. I asked Dean to get that information using any means necessary."

"You what?" Sam asked incredulously. 

"I know, Sam. I feel regret to this day. I sent Dean into a room where I had trapped Alastair and I asked Dean to torture him. Dean tried to talk me out of it, but I insisted. He warned me that if I made him go in there, I wasn't going to like what came out. Alastair got free from his restraints and..."

"...and I killed him after he beat Dean almost to death." Sam remembered that day. That was one of the darkest times of Sam's life, of all of their lives.

"Dean has nightmares about the things that he's done, Sam. He must have told you that he stepped off of the rack, and that's what he dreams about. I'm afraid that my requesting that he torture Alastair was what brought them on. I can't stop them completely, but I can offer him some relief."

"Relief?"

Cas sighed, "I replace his visions of torture with things that make him calm. Memories with you, his car, music, even sex, although the only thing I have to go on there is from that one time when I walked in on him getting a...I think he called it a blow..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've all walked in on Dean. So let me get this straight, you just sit there all night with your hands on him so that he can sleep?"

"When I can, but they are getting worse. I don't know if I can keep helping him. I don't know if I can continue to replace the visions."

"What happens if you can't?"

Cas just stared at the ground, "I don't know."

"This is why you watch him sleep. This is why you follow him everywhere he goes." 

Cas just nodded.

Sam ran his hands through his hair and started pacing under the flickering light outside of the motel room door. "So if this gets worse, if things go south then what? He could just completely lose it?"

"It's possible. I haven't let myself think about that. I want to believe that I can continue to help him."

"Well, for now you just keep doing what you're doing and we make sure that he doesn't know."

"Thank you, Sam."

\--------------------------

Dean didn't know why both Cas and Sam were acting strangely, but it was starting to get on his nerves. 

"Okay, what in the fuck is up with the two of you?"

"I don't know what you mean" Cas said, staring at his feet.

"That. That shit right there. The mopey angel shit. You act like somebody just ran over your dog." Dean said, trying to force Cas to make eye contact. "And you," he said, turning to Sam, "you've stepped up your mother hen routine. When you ask me if everything is okay and I tell you that I'm fine, then I'm fucking fine and you don't need to ask me again. Is there something going on that I don't know about?"

"No...no nothing is going on." Sam stuttered. 

"Well, if nothing is going on, then I say we go hustle some pool. What do you say Sam?" Dean asked. He didn't believe a word that came out of Sam or Cas's mouths, but he was bored and they were running low on funds.

"Yeah, sure." Sam said, giving Cas a questioning look. They both knew that Dean liked to drink, but Sam didn't know what to expect now. He almost wished that he'd never woken up that night, never found out about Dean's nightmares. Cas just nodded, he'd obviously dealt with this when Dean had been drinking before. Cas very rarely went to the bar with the brothers, especially when they went to hustle so he made some excuse and disappeared.

The night was a success. They were able to hustle a few hundred dollars, and Dean was able to drink, a lot. Sam got them back to the motel and helped Dean to bed. He looked around the room, but didn't see Cas. He sat and just watched his brother, hoping that maybe the alcohol would help. 

It didn't.

Dean started to thrash and cry, and Sam didn't know what to do. Then he felt Cas. "This is bad, Cas. You have to help him."

"I know, Sam. That's why I came." Cas rested a hand on Dean's chest and one on his head, but he couldn't change all of the visions, some lingered. Dean was still crying out in his sleep. Sam was getting scared, and Cas was at a loss.

"Okay," Sam said quietly, "I can't believe that I'm going to say this, but you need to get in that bed with him."

"What?"

"Cas, your hands on his chest and head are not working, and look at him. Take off your damn trenchcoat and jacket and crawl in that bed. Wrap your arms around him, do some whole body thing, I don't know. We need to do something."

Cas knew that even though he'd never considered it, Sam was right. He took off his trenchcoat and suit jacket and laid in the bed with Dean, pulling him into his arms. He murmured softly and pulled Dean's head to his chest. Dean continued to sweat and cry until Cas rested his cheek against the top of Dean's head. Dean slowly calmed, and eventually Cas felt him become peaceful and heard his soft snore.

Sam never thought he'd be so happy to see his brother in another man's arms, but Cas wasn't really a man.

Sam and Cas looked at one another, if this wasn't because of the alcohol, then things had changed. Cas was going to need to lay next to Dean, and Sam was going to have to get used to it. Cas knew to get out of the bed before Dean woke up. He could never know.

A few nights later they discovered that it wasn't the alcohol. Dean was in a downward spiral, and he had no idea.

\-------------------------

Dean had started to have strange dreams. He had been dreaming about Cas. He dreamt of rolling over in Cas's arms and feeling Cas pull him close. Dean didn't advertise that he had been with men, but he wasn't ashamed of it. The problem was, Cas wasn't actually a man, and Cas was...well he was Cas. He was just kind of always there. Dean didn't even know what to consider him. A friend? A best friend? After having these dreams, he certainly couldn't look at him in a brotherly way. But why now? They'd known each other for so long. They'd literally been to hell and back together. They had fought and they had saved each others asses. He'd never even thought of Cas like that, and he looked at most attractive people as a potential lay. He tried to just forget it and not let it get to him. 

\-------------------------

It had been weeks and Sam had grown used to Cas crawling into Dean's bed when he had a nightmare. He barely noticed that although Dean's nightmares only came two or three times a week, Cas crawled in his bed every night. He barely noticed when Dean started to wrap his arms around Cas and pull him close. But, he did notice the night when he heard Dean murmuring Cas's name. 

"What was that?" he asked quietly while Dean was busy in the shower.

"I don't know, Sam." Cas lied.

"Cas, he's talking about you in his sleep. What is he dreaming about?"

Cas just looked at his feet. Sam knew what that meant.

"Cas, what is he dreaming about?"

"Me."

"Okay, but what does it mean?"

"I don't know, Sam. Somehow he's learned to rely on me in his sleep." Cas wasn't comfortable telling Sam what some of the dreams entailed. 

"So what happens if you aren't here? What am I supposed to do?"

"Sam, I will do whatever it takes to be here. I feel responsible for him, you know that."

Sam just looked at Cas, "is that all you feel?"

The shower turned off before Cas could answer Sam's question. He didn't have an answer anyway. As an angel, he didn't have the capacity to love, not in a romantic way. He had strong feelings towards Dean because Dean was his charge. He had failed Dean and now Dean was his responsibility. At least that's what he told himself. He knew that he didn't need to be in Dean's bed every night, but he was fascinated by the way Dean felt, the sounds he made, even the smell of his skin. He wasn't angry or intimidating, and Cas didn't know what to make of it. 

\-------------------------

Cas knew that Dean was still asleep when he reached out for Cas and pulled him against his chest. He was still asleep when he slid his hand inside of Cas's shirt and started running it up and down his chest. He was still asleep when he buried his face in the back of Cas's neck and softly moaned his name. He could feel Dean's body reacting and was surprised when his own body did the same. He could sense what Dean was dreaming about and he was confused. He didn't want Sam to hear the sounds Dean was making, he didn't want to wake Dean up, but if he was going to be perfectly honest with himself, he didn't want to get out of Dean's bed. He didn't know why, but when he felt Dean start to fumble with the buttons on his shirt, he reached up to help. Together they got his shirt open and Dean spent hours running his hands over every inch of Cas's chest and stomach. Cas finally relaxed and leaned back against him. He was getting lost in Dean's touch when he realized that the sun would be up soon and he needed to leave. He slid out of Dean's arms and disappeared. 

Dean started to wake up, expecting to feel warmth where there wasn't any. He'd had another dream about Cas. He needed to stop asking himself why he was having them and forget about it. People had weird dreams all of the time, maybe not about an angel of the lord, but shit happens. He didn't know if he was relieved or bothered by the fact that Cas didn't seem to be around as much anymore.

Sam knew that Cas still came every night, but he had stopped coming around during the day. Something was going on and he just needed to know that Dean was going to be okay. 

\-------------------------

"Cas, you never answered my question."

The Winchesters had finally caught wind of an easy case and Dean was in town with the medical examiner while Sam had gone back to the motel to do some research on his laptop. Sam didn't see Cas arrive as much as he felt it.

"I'm sorry, Sam. What question are you talking about?"

Sam turned around in his chair to face Cas, "You told me that you feel responsible for Dean, and I get that. But I asked you if that was all you felt, and you never answered me."

"Sam, that was weeks ago. I don't understand how it is relevant right now."

"You're with him every night, only Dean doesn't know it. As far as he knows, he hasn't seen you in days. You are avoiding him, Cas."

Cas just looked away. Sam was right. "I can't be with him every minute, Sam. We both know that. He can't know about any of this."

"Exactly. And if something is going on that could jeopardize that, it needs to stop."

Cas just nodded as they heard Dean's car pull up in front of the room.

"You are NOT leaving." Sam hissed at Cas.

Cas moved to the corner and waited.

"So, Sammy, it looks pretty cut and dry. Bite marks, missing heart, the makings of a good old fashioned werewolf story. I say we track it tonight and take care of it." Dean turned and saw Cas in the shadows. "Cas. Hey, haven't seen you for a while. You going to stick around?"

"You have a hunt planned and I'll just be in the..."

"No, no, you're good, stay. Just let me get out of these clothes and we can go get something to eat."

\--------------------------

The hunt had been textbook, bloody, but textbook. After quick showers, the brothers both fell into bed, exhausted. Cas sat in a chair and watched as Sam fell asleep quickly and soundly. Dean tossed and turned, and then Cas heard the first cry. He crawled into the bed and pulled Dean against him. He pressed his hands to Dean's chest, but each time he replaced a horrific image, a new one would appear. Dean clutched at him, shaking and sweaty, "Cas..." he moaned. Cas murmured reassuring words and rocked him. He pressed his lips against Dean's temple and quietly repeated, "I'm sorry, Dean. I'm so sorry." It took hours for the terror to subside. Finally, Dean's cries turned into calm and sleepy breaths. His body went lax in Cas's arms. Cas couldn't let go, he'd never felt such guilt. He knew that he had caused this. He wrapped his arms around Dean and buried his face in the back of his neck, crying, while Dean slept.

Cas?" Dean softly whispered in the dark.

Cas didn't know how to react. Dean couldn't know what had been happening, but he couldn't ignore him either.

"Yes Dean?"

"I feel, I don't know, fucked up. Did something happen?" he rolled in Cas's arms until they were face to face, not once questioning why Cas was in his bed.

Cas was frozen. He didn't know what to say. 

"Fuck, I don't even know if I'm awake or asleep right now. Cas?"

"You're okay, Dean" he whispered.

Dean reached out and started fumbling with the buttons on Cas's shirt again, and again Cas helped him. "If I'm dreaming, if I'm awake, I don't care right now. Just stay with me, okay?"

"Of course."

Dean was confused, he was lost. He felt almost drugged as he pushed Cas's shirt off of his shoulders and pulled his own t-shirt over his head. He really didn't know if he was awake or asleep, he just knew that Cas was there, and he needed him. He rolled Cas on his back and slipped in between his legs, pressing their bare chests and stomachs together. Cas reached his arms around Dean and started running his hands up and down his back, and then across his shoulders. Neither one said a word when Dean dipped his head and gently pressed his lips to Cas's. He tilted his head back and tried to picture those blue eyes. Everything seemed blurry. He bent his head again and kissed Cas with more passion, sliding his tongue between Cas's lips. He placed his hands on either side of Cas's face and explored his mouth while reveling in the feeling of Cas's hands on his body. 

Cas knew that the sun would be coming up soon, and as much as he wanted to stay, he needed to find a way to get out of Dean's bed. He rolled them on their sides and ran his fingers along Dean's arm. Dean kissed him softly along his neck as Cas whispered, "you need to sleep Dean. It's time." He knew that Dean was exhausted. He laid on his back, pulled Dean's head to his chest, and held him, running his fingers through his sweaty hair until he was finally able to sleep. He slid out from underneath Dean, put the pillow under his head, and disappeared.

\-------------------------

Dean woke up confused. He'd had another dream about Cas, and they just kept getting more realistic. The bed felt warm next to him, but he was alone. He looked around the room, the sun hadn't fully come up yet and Sam was still sleeping. He rolled over, holding the pillow against his chest, and fell back to sleep.

\-------------------------

Dean heard the shower running and sat up in bed, hoping that Sam might be generous enough to leave him some hot water. The hunt must have taken it out of him because even though Sam had let him sleep in, he still felt tired. That's when he noticed that he wasn't wearing a shirt. He couldn't remember if he'd put one on before he went to bed, but then he saw it crumpled on the floor next to the bed. Maybe he got too hot and took it off, but it was the middle of fall and starting to get cold outside. He vividly remembered his dream about Cas, it was just a dream. He just needed a hot shower and coffee to clear his head. "Sam, you'd better leave me some water." he called out. 

\--------------------------

Dean's missing shirt didn't go unnoticed by Sam. Dean sleeping while clutching a pillow to his chest didn't go unnoticed by Sam. He was trying to stay out of it, but his brother meant everything to him and he needed to know what was happening. He'd left Dean plenty of hot water for a nice long shower while he willed Cas to show up. He didn't even see Cas, he just felt him. He knocked on the bathroom door, "Dean, I'm going to go grab some coffee, do you want me to get you breakfast while I'm out?"

"Yeah, thanks Sammy" came the muffled response. "Just don't hurt my baby." Dean's baby was a 1967 Impala that had originally belonged to their father. Dean loved that car.

Sam just chuckled, "okay Dean. I'll be right back." He walked out of the motel with Cas on his heels. He didn't say anything until they pulled out of the parking lot. "Cas, there are things that I don't need to know. There are things that I don't want to know. But what in the hell happened?"

"He had another nightmare, Sam. It was the worst I've seen. It took me hours to calm him down."

Sam wanted to ask about the missing shirt, but that fell under the category of things he didn't need to know. "So what then? You just keep doing what your doing and we hope? I mean is this going to happen every time we hunt? Every time he drinks? We can't ask him to stop doing either. We can't tell him what is going on, it will break him. I don't know what in the hell to do here, Cas."

"You need to trust me, Sam. If I need your help, I will let you know. But, you need to prepare yourself."

"For what?"

"At this point, for anything. I started this, and I will see him through it."

Sam felt his own guilt seep in. Dean never would have gone to hell if it weren't for him. He never would have made the deal if Sam's life hadn't been on the line. He never asked Dean to trade his soul, but he would always live with the fact that he had. He knew that Dean returning was a miracle, and he expected that Dean would be damaged, but not to the extent that he was. Sam was scared. His brother meant everything to him and he wasn't about to let him fall into some type of madness.

"Then here's the deal, Cas. I won't question your methods, but you need to be honest with me. You need to tell me what I need to do, no matter what it is. This is on me as much as it is on you. We work together on this."

"Okay, Sam, but I don't know if you can help. I don't know if there is anything you can do."

"Well if there is, just tell me, and I'll do it."

"I will, Sam. Thank you. I think that it would be for the best if I stayed away today. I will see you tonight or tomorrow." and Cas disappeared.

Sam bought some coffee and donuts and headed back to the motel, alone.

\-------------------------

"Donuts and coffee Sammy, the breakfast of champions. It's nice to see you giving up your healthy ways and finally coming to the dark side. I don't know how you can stand to eat all of that green leafy shit."

"I'd prefer not to die of a heart attack when I'm fifty, that's how." Sam smiled. Dean looked tired, but he was in a good mood.

"You know that we'll both piss something off and die bloody long before we're 50, so I say live it up." Dean said, shoving almost an entire donut in his mouth. Sometimes Sam envied Dean's outlook on things. If he was hungry, he ate. If he was tired, he slept. If he wanted to get laid, he got laid. Sam didn't have good luck in that department. His college girlfriend, the love of his life, had been killed. Most of his interactions with women since then hadn't ended well. "So, what's the plan? Should we check the radar for a case, or would you rather stay in this little slice of heaven for another day or two?" Dean's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Doesn't really matter to me." Sam didn't know if the hunt had brought on such a bad nightmare for Dean, but he needed to find something to occupy his mind. He'd spent weeks worrying about his brother. He needed to just trust Cas. 

They spent the remainder of the day looking up news reports online, searching for a case. They came up empty handed. When things got slow like this they always worried that there was something big coming. "Well, that's a whole lot of nothing. I guess we stay put and rest up, check again tomorrow." Dean said, grabbing the remote and flopping down on his bed. 

Sam looked up from his laptop, "Okay, but no ordering porn."

"Aw Sammy, c'mon. You've got to live a little."

"Dean, we are sharing a room. No ordering porn." Sam laughed.

Dean found an old western, but fell asleep about half way through. Sam looked over at him and sighed with relief, he never thought that his brother's sleeping patterns would become so important to him.

\-------------------------

When Cas got to the room, both of the brothers were sound asleep. Dean looked peaceful, but Cas slipped into his bed anyway. Just as he was about to lay down, he felt Dean reach for him. Cas was starting to think that if he were there to comfort Dean before the nightmares came, then he could keep them at bay. He let Dean wrap his arms around him and he pressed his back against Dean's chest, just listening to him breathe evenly. He laid there wondering if he would ever find a way to stop the nightmares completely. He knew that he owed it to Dean to continue to help him if he couldn't stop them, but he'd like to think that a full nights sleep wouldn't be considered a luxury for the rest of Dean's life. He was afraid to think about what would happen if the nightmares began to spin out of control. He couldn't imagine having to stand idly by and watch Dean suffer. Dean moaned and shifted in his sleep, the feeling of his breath was distracting. Cas still didn't understand why, and he wondered if he was doing something wrong by climbing into Dean's bed every night. He stopped questioning himself when he felt the first kiss on the back of his neck. He tilted his head forward and could feel Dean's hands moving slowly down his chest. This time he undid the buttons on his shirt without help from Dean.

After tossing his shirt on the floor, Cas rolled in Dean's arms. Dean leaned in for a deep kiss and slid his hand down Cas's back, stopping to press their hips together. Cas didn't understand what was happening to his body, but he knew he didn't want it to stop. He struggled to get Dean's t-shirt over his head and they laid chest to chest, Dean rocking his hips against Cas's. Cas had never understood sex, but he could feel how hard Dean was through his pants. He instinctively slid his hand between their bodies and started to softly rub him as Dean moaned. Dean pulled his body away and reached down to unbutton and unzip his pants, freeing his hard cock. He took Cas's hand and wrapped it around him, slowly stroking him up and down, Cas had never even touched himself this way. Dean leaned in for a hard kiss and Cas sped up the rhythm of their hands. He could feel Dean's body tensing and his cock was throbbing. "Oh god, Cas..." Dean moaned, burying his face in Cas's neck as he came, the hot sticky fluid dripping down both of their hands. Cas grabbed his shirt off of the floor and cleaned up the mess as best as he could before tucking Dean back into his pants. He wasn't quite sure what had just happened, but he had started trembling and could feel that his own cock had grown hard. He didn't know what to do, so he just let Dean catch him in a long and lingering kiss before he wrapped his arms around him. He desperately wanted Dean to touch him, but he couldn't wake him up, Dean was doing all of this in his sleep and by morning he'd think that it was a dream. Just as the sun began to rise, Cas slipped out of the bed, picked his sticky shirt up, and disappeared. 

\---------------------------

The next night, Dean held Cas with his back against his chest while he slid his hand into Cas's pants and finally made him understand why sex was so important to people. It took every ounce of self control that Cas had not to cry out when he felt himself come all over Dean's hand. 

Every night became a quiet frenzy of flesh against flesh. Mouths and fingertips roaming each other's bodies, nothing more than soft moans escaping their lips. Cas finally remembered to start helping Dean put his clothes back on before he left. He knew that Dean had questioned the first couple of mornings when he woke up without a shirt on. The lines were becoming blurred for Cas. He had started out trying to help Dean, but wondered if he was becoming selfish. He didn't need to be there every night letting Dean touch him, but he was. At least Dean hadn't had a nightmare since their werewolf hunt.

Cas knew that he was risking it by staying in Dean's bed until the sun started to come up, but he didn't want to move yet. He finally started to quietly slip out of the bed when Dean wrapped his arms tighter and pulled him back. Cas froze, he didn't know what to do. He didn't know what he would say if Dean woke up and found him there. "Cas, I'm awake." he heard Dean whisper.

"How long..." Cas stuttered.

"A week...maybe a week and a half. I don't know how this whole thing got started, I'm guessing probably as a drunken thing, but I'm not sorry. You'd better get your ass moving before Sam gets up, but you are welcome back any time." He leaned over to give Cas a soft kiss and then let him go. He laughed to himself when Cas disappeared. He didn't know that angels could get embarrassed. 

\--------------------------

Sam was sitting across from Dean at breakfast and could see the bags under his brother's eyes. He and Cas hadn't talked about Dean for awhile, and Sam just assumed that Cas had it under control.

"What?" Dean finally caught Sam looking at him.

"Oh, nothing, sorry. You just look tired, that's all."

"Yeah, about that. So, Cas has been showing up every night."

Sam swallowed hard, Dean knew that Cas was there. "Really? Okay..."

"Half naked wrestling matches in my bed. I figured since we share a room I should probably let you know."

Sam almost choked, "What?"

"Do you really need more of an explanation? Or are you just being a pervert and looking for details?"

"Uh no, no details necessary. I'm just surprised." 

"Imagine how I felt the first time I woke up and he was in my bed." Dean smiled.

Sam couldn't believe how casual Dean was being about this whole thing. Not to mention, sex was not exactly part of the plan that Cas had laid out for this nightmare situation. He didn't know that Cas could even have sex. "Okay, you've got to give me a minute on this one, Dean."

"Because we share a room? Because it's Cas? Or because Cas is a guy, kind of?"

"All three.."

Dean took a sip of coffee and leaned back to look at his brother, "Honestly, I am sorry about the room thing. We'll work something out there."

"Work something out?" Sam was completely lost.

"Yeah, I told him this morning that he's welcome back any time."

"You what?" 

"I know that it's a little weird because it's Cas, but he's more fun than you'd think."

"Okay, Dean, I did not need to know that. I really didn't need to know any of this." Sam said, shaking his head.

"Is it the guy thing?"

"No judgement, but yes Dean, part of it is the guy thing. I never thought that you...you know..."

"Swung both ways?"

"You are seriously over sharing here." 

"So every time I came back from the bar with money that I hustled, you actually thought I'd won it all playing pool?" Dean was doing everything he could not to laugh at the look on Sam's face. "I mean I just let them watch me...."

"Dean! Enough over sharing! Wait, do you really..."

"Play for both teams? Hustle? You've got to be more specific here, Sammy." Dean was having way too much fun with this. He couldn't hold the laughter in anymore. "I seriously wish you could see the look on your face right now."

"Well if you'd stop messing with me..."

"I'm not, that's what's so funny. Yes Sam, I play for both teams. Yes Sam, I have hustled, it's a voyeurism thing. And yes Sam, I have been messing around with Cas in my bed while sharing a motel room with you. I'm sorry about the room thing, we'll work something out. You should probably finish your breakfast before it gets cold."

\--------------------------

"I know that Dean talked to you, Sam."

Sam turned at the sound of Cas's quiet voice. Dean had just left to go grab some take out while Sam did some research on the case they were working.

"He did. I honestly don't even know what to say. I get why you didn't want to tell me what was going on, but have the nightmares stopped?"

"He doesn't have them when we are...together."

"So you are messing around with him so that he doesn't have nightmares?"

Cas wanted to look down, but he knew he had to face Sam. "Yes and no. That's how it started. He had a nightmare after your werewolf hunt. It was excruciating. I didn't know if I'd be able to get him through it, but I did. He came to me a few hours later in his sleep."

"He came to you? In his sleep? And you let him?"

"Yes, I let him. Am I supposed to be ashamed of that? You are the one who asked me to get into his bed with him."

"Okay, you know what? I did ask you to crawl in bed with him. I don't have control over who my brother sleeps with, obviously. And as far as shame goes? That's between you and Dean. Does he know about the nightmares?"

"No, Sam, he doesn't."

Sam just sighed. He had no reason to be upset with Cas. As long as Dean was going to be okay, he really didn't care what Cas did. "That's all that matters, Cas. Dean will be back any time. You might as well stick around so that we can get our awkward evening out of the way."

"Do you really think that this is awkward, Sam?"

"Cas, you have been fooling around with Dean while I'm in the same room. Yes, that's a little awkward."

"I'm sorry, Sam."

"I know you are, Cas. I'm guessing that I might have to start enjoying my own room from now on."

Cas never expected the reaction that he got from Dean that morning, and he certainly didn't expect Sam to be so accepting.

"Thank you, Sam"

\-------------------------

Dean was surprised, pleasantly surprised, to find Sam and Cas in the room talking when he got back with take out. He set the food on the table and threw his jacket over the back of a chair, "Hey Cas" he winked. "Sam, what did you find out?" he asked as he sat down to eat.

"Three deaths in a two week span in a small town, all of them ruled suicide. And I got my own room." Sam turned his laptop around on the table so that Dean could read the news articles. Other than knowing that his brother was probably going to have sex with Cas, it was like any other night. They planned their strategy while they ate and Sam made Dean promise to be up and ready to go at a decent hour before he grabbed his bag and headed off to his own room. 

\---------------------------

After the door shut behind Sam, Dean wrapped his arms loosely around Cas's waist, "Well here we are, two consenting and awake adults. We have this whole room to ourselves and can make as much noise as we want. Well, not as much as we want, we don't want to wake the neighbors. Especially since I think Sam is actually the neighbor, but you get the idea." He reached up and pushed Cas's coat and jacket off of his shoulders, "so what do you want to do?"

Cas didn't know what to say. The only sexual experience he had was crawling into bed with Dean and just letting things happen. Dean could feel his hesitation. He pulled Cas close and whispered, "I'll tell you what, I will strip down, turn off the light, and crawl into bed. When you're ready, join me. I also expect you to be stripped down." He put his hands on either side of Cas's face and kissed him gently, "but you'd better join me." He let Cas watch him take his clothes off before he turned off the lamp and crawled under his blankets. He could hear the rustling of Cas's clothes and felt the mattress dip under his weight as he got into bed. Dean could tell that Cas was nervous. He bent his mouth to Cas's ear, "I don't know how this all happened, and I don't know why it's finally happening now. I want you to know that I can't imagine having anybody else in my bed with me." He started to softly kiss across Cas's jaw and down his neck, until he slowly started to relax. He straddled Cas's body and bent down for a deep kiss. He felt Cas run his hands up his arms and across his shoulders. Cas's touch made him crazy, he was already hard, but he knew that he needed to be gentle tonight. He moved his mouth along Cas's neck and collarbone and left a trail of kisses and soft bites down his chest. Cas moaned as Dean made his way down his stomach and started gently touching him until he was hard. He wrapped his hand around the shaft of Cas's cock, his calloused hands softly stroking the silky skin and he heard Cas's breath catch. He knew in the dark it would take Cas by surprise when he dragged his tongue across the head. Cas gasped and he swirled his tongue around the ridge before taking it into his mouth. He knew he had to stay calm, just touching Cas had him so worked up that he could feel his own cock throbbing. He slid his mouth down the length while still stroking with his hand. He was taking his time, he wanted Cas to remember this forever. Every time Cas moaned his name it made it harder for him to keep control. He took Cas all of the way into his mouth and alternated between sucking and swirling his tongue. Cas was already throbbing as he started to move his mouth up and down, staying in rhythm with his hand. He wanted to stay there all night just tasting him, but he could feel that Cas was ready. When he heard Cas call out, he slid his head down and felt the hot sticky fluid slide down the back of this throat. He gently sucked and licked until he knew that Cas was completely satisfied. He crawled back up Cas's body, kissing and softly biting again. "Are you okay?" he whispered. He felt Cas nod and he smiled before he cupped the side of Cas's face and gave him a long and lingering kiss. Dean wanted this night to be on Cas's terms, and he wanted to let Cas just explore his body. He rolled on his back and lost himself in the feeling of Cas's hands and mouth. He could feel Cas stroking his cock, so he started to rock his hips slowly, pushing himself up into Cas's hand. Cas knew how to use his hands. He could feel it building. He was ready to explode, and he never came this quickly. "Oh god" he moaned, "that feels so..." Cas stroked him harder until he felt Dean tense and the sticky warmth started to drip down his hand. Dean could barely move as he lazily handed Cas some tissues to clean up and pulled him into his arms, dropping light kisses on his face. Cas had no idea that Dean could be so gentle and tender. Although he didn't understand love, he knew at that moment that he belonged to Dean Winchester. They pulled the blanket up and wrapped themselves skin to skin in each others arms as Dean drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

\-------------------------

Dean woke up and could feel Cas curled up against him. The sun was just starting to rise and he knew that he still had a couple of hours before he was supposed to meet up with Sam. He felt Cas shift against his body and his breath caught. He didn't know what it was, but he couldn't get enough. "Good morning," he murmured as he kissed the back of Cas's neck. He felt Cas's body shiver and he started moving his hands. 

"Don't you need to get up and meet..."

"First of all, I'll get out of this bed when I'm good and ready. Second of all, please don't say his name while I'm trying to convince you to roll over and look at me."

Cas rolled over and they locked eyes. Dean had never realized how blue Cas's eyes were, he'd never paid attention. Cas had a human body, that was obvious, but Dean had always just seen an angel when he looked at him. Dean slid his hand down Cas's back and grabbed his perfect ass. He knew that Cas had been a virgin the first time that he touched him and he had to take things slow. Cas was just a part of his life and he wasn't going to do anything to push him away, he was too used to having him around. When Cas shut his eyes and moaned, Dean started to grow hard. He wanted to let Cas the lead, he wanted Cas to be comfortable in bed with him. "What do you want?" he whispered. Cas reached down and started running his hand across Dean's stomach and hips, avoiding his cock. "Ah, you want to be a tease." Cas smiled and ran his hand up Dean's chest, stopping to run his fingers across his sensitive nipples. Dean just groaned, "Okay, I have no idea where you learned how to use your hands like that." He rolled Cas on his back and slid in between his legs. He could feel both of their hard cocks against his stomach. He grabbed lotion off of his nightstand, "Sorry, no lube, but this will help with the friction." He covered his hands in it and reached down, rubbing Cas with one hand and himself with the other. Cas arched his back and moaned. Dean sank down against Cas's body, until they were chest to chest, their hard cocks trapped between them. He rested his body weight on his forearms and placed a hand on either side of Cas's face. He gave him a long lingering kiss while he started to gently rock his hips. Cas was rocking to match his rhythm and what started out as gentle and slow turned into needy and desperate. Cas pressed his hands against Dean's lower back, but still wanted their bodies closer. Dean felt the moan start in Cas's chest and he knew that Cas was going to come. He pressed his hips down as hard as he could and heard Cas cry out his name as he felt the warm stickiness spread across his stomach. He thrusted against the familiar throbbing until he came, collapsing tired and sweaty on top of Cas's body. He could feel them both go limp as he tried to catch his breath. He didn't want to move. He wanted to stay there forever. He finally rolled off of Cas onto his back, still panting.

"You really need to get up, Dean."

"I know, I'm pretty sure that I need a shower after that." 

Cas looked down at Dean's stomach and then at his own. "I think I got the worst of it."

Dean just laughed and sat up, Cas's stomach was a sticky mess. "C'mon, let's get cleaned up." and he led Cas into the shower. He held Cas against him and gently kissed him under the stream of hot water. "You okay?"

Cas was still surprised by Dean's tenderness and concern, "I'm better than okay." he answered, earning him another deep kiss from Dean.

Dean was just finishing knotting the tie of his 'FBI suit' and Cas was putting his jacket on when they heard the knock on the door. Cas reached over and turned the doorknob to let Sam in. 

Sam tried not to look around the room, he tried not to think about what had gone on in there, but he had slept next door and the walls were thin. He noticed that both Dean and Cas were still wet from the shower, but they'd had the decency to pull the blankets up over the sheets. "You ready?" he asked Dean.

"As long as you stop to buy me coffee, I'm good." Dean wrapped one arm around Cas's waist and placed a kiss on his lips, catching both Sam and Cas by surprise. Dean didn't do that, he wasn't affectionate. "I will see you later," he whispered as he walked out the door with Sam right behind him.

Sam tried to focus on the case, but caught himself wondering what was going on. He'd had all night to accept that Dean and Cas were sleeping together, and that Cas wasn't Dean's first man, but Sam didn't think he'd ever actually seen Dean kiss anybody goodbye.

\-------------------------

"Dean..."

"Holy shit Sammy, you went 24 hours without being nosy. I think that's a new record."

"I'm just trying to figure out what's going on."

"Are we back to that being a pervert and wanting details thing again? Because I'm guessing that you probably heard Cas when I went down..."

"No Dean." Sam interrupted, "but thank you for the visual that can't be unseen."

"Any time, Sammy. Any time. So let me ask the question. I get that this whole thing is kinda weird, I do, but why are you so interested?"

"Dean, you kissed him goodbye."

Dean looked over at his brother, "Seriously? You want to sit here and talk about a goodbye kiss? We are not 14 year old girls at a slumber party."

Sam knew that he needed to drop it. If the nightmares were gone and Dean was happy, he shouldn't question it.

"I need to make a stop while we're out."

Sam just groaned, "I probably don't want to know."

Dean smiled, "No, you probably don't."

\-------------------------

"Cas?"

"Mmmm" Cas responded from where his face was buried against Dean's neck, biting and sucking. Dean had told him not to leave marks, but it was dark so he didn't know if he had. He didn't really care either, he knew that Dean wouldn't get mad at him.

"I want to try something."

Cas stopped. Normally if Dean wanted to try something, they just did it, they didn't talk about it first.

"It's going to hurt," Dean continued, "but it will be worth it."

Cas propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at Dean, searching for his eyes in the dark. 

"I need you to trust me, Cas."

Cas bent down and kissed him, "I trust you."

Dean rolled Cas on his back and tucked the pillows under his hips, "I really don't want to hurt you" he whispered, "I just want to feel as close to you as I can." He flipped open the cap on the bottle of lube that he'd bought and coated two fingers with it. He spread Cas's legs wide and bent down to kiss him. He slid his fingers across Cas's hole, rubbing them back and forth, he could feel Cas's breath catch. This wasn't what Cas was expecting. "I'm going to try to do this as gently as I can" he whispered and he slipped a finger in. He slowly slid it in and out while he kissed Cas's neck, trying to distract him. He finally pushed it all of the way in and felt around for the sweet spot. He could feel Cas moan and start to grow hard when he found it. He slid the other finger in and gently rubbed with both of them, trying to stretch Cas out enough to take his cock. He took his time until he could feel Cas arching with need. He sat up and dripped lube on his cock before his lined it up and pulled his fingers out. He slid himself all of the way inside of Cas in one fluid motion. He could feel Cas tense, and he knew that he was in pain. "Do you want me to stop?" Cas tried to relax, "No. I want to feel close to you too, just give me a minute." Dean ran his hands up and down Cas's chest and stomach, "take all of the time that you need." Cas finally reached out and pulled him down for a kiss, "Okay Dean, I'm ready" Dean started to slowly slide in and out, he could feel Cas tense up with each movement. He pushed Cas's legs further apart and started moving at a different angle. When he felt Cas gasp, he knew that he had found it. He reached down and wrapped his hand around Cas while he slowly rocked himself back and forth, pushing a little harder with each thrust. He was stroking Cas's hard cock to the same rhythm when he felt himself start to throb and build. Cas was so tight around his cock he knew that he wasn't going to last long. He sped up the movement of his hand, he knew that if he came first he wouldn't be able to finish Cas off and he couldn't leave him unsatisfied. He didn't want Cas to remember it like that. He could feel that he only had one thrust left in him when he finally heard Cas call his name and come in his hand. Dean exploded and continued to gently rock until he couldn't take anymore. He pulled out and laid on his back, pulling Cas's head to his chest. "Did I hurt you?" he asked as he kissed the top of Cas's head. "Yes, but it's okay. It was worth it." Cas whispered. "I'm sorry, baby." Dean mumbled with his cheek pressed against the top of Cas's head, "I don't ever want to hurt you." Cas tilted his head up, waiting for a kiss. "I know you don't. I'm fine, really. Now get some sleep. You have to work tomorrow." Dean just groaned, "I know, but I want to stay in bed with you all day." Cas just smiled, "I'll be here when you get back, okay?" Dean gave him his kiss and pulled him closer. He hadn't had a nightmare in months.

\-------------------------

It was a basic shapeshifter case and he and Sam were able to finish it off without any problems. But Dean hated shifters, he always had. At least he had Cas waiting for him. He told Sam goodnight and went into his room. Cas wasn't there. Dean figured that he was probably off dealing with some angel business, he did have responsibilities that didn't involve Dean. He waited for a little while before he got into the shower to try and wash the stench of shifter off of him. He started to feel dizzy. He turned off the water and grabbed a towel. He was trying to make it to the bed when the room started spinning and he had to grab onto the table. He sank into a chair feeling sick. His head was pounding and he couldn't think straight. He was scared. He knew that his phone was on the table next to him and he could call Sam, but what could Sam do? He leaned his head back and tried to stop the spins, that's when he felt Cas. He sat up and through hazy eyes he could see Cas squatting down in front of him. He heard Cas calling his name but it had a delay and an echo like he was yelling through a tunnel. Cas was trying to talk to him, but he didn't understand a word he said. He started having visions, but they flashed by so fast that he couldn't remember what they were. He was terrified and angry. Cas pulled him up out of the chair and tried to walk him towards the bed. Instead, Dean pushed Cas back against the wall and pinned him there with his mouth while he quickly worked to get all of Cas's clothes off, popping the buttons off of his shirt. Everything was fuzzy, he didn't know why he was doing what he was doing, but he couldn't stop himself. He spun Cas around and held him facing the wall. He pulled his hips back just far enough so that he could line himself up and fuck that perfect ass. He spit in his hand and rubbed it on the head of his cock before he slid it in. Every time a picture flashed through his mind he thrust himself into Cas harder. He couldn't even feel the pleasure, he was just scared. He finally heard Cas's voice calling his name and the pictures started to fade. His anger and fear were subsiding and he could feel his orgasm start. He thrust a few more times and leaned against Cas's back, crying while he came. His legs went weak and everything started to turn black.

He woke up later with a pounding headache and could feel Cas sitting on the bed next to him. He started to remember flashes of what had happened before he passed out. "Cas?" he whispered roughly.

"You're okay Dean, I'm here."

"I'm not okay, Cas." He started to remember the way he dug his fingers into Cas's flesh while he held him against the wall. He turned his back to Cas. He hated himself.

"Dean?"

"I'm sorry, Cas. I am so sorry." he whispered. "I promised that I'd never hurt you."

"Dean, I'm fine."

"I told you Cas, I warned you."

Cas was getting nervous. "You warned me about what?"

"I told you that you weren't going to like what walked out of that room that day..."

Cas froze. Dean wasn't asleep, this was a waking nightmare.

\-------------------------

"You feel guilty, don't you Cas?" Dean mumbled. Cas didn't know what to do. He didn't know if Dean was even aware of what he was saying, but he did know that it was the memories talking and not Dean.

"You used me. You've never 'saved' me, you fucking used me. Do you know what it was like for me? I want to forget, I've tried to forget, but I can't." Dean sobbed. "Why have you stayed with me?"

"Dean, I..."

"You what? Give a shit? Or just figure that you'll have another use for me someday? I can't imagine why, not after I failed you before. I couldn't get you what you needed but I tried anyway. You sent me into that room, I was a monster and you fucking knew it. You've always known it. You knew what he had turned me into. The things he did to me? I could take it. The cutting and the burning. Even when he told me how worthless and pathetic I am, I took it. It wasn't until he talked about her. But I made the choice, I did it. I was good at it and I found satisfaction in it. I'm no better than Alastair, I'm worse. I knew right from wrong, and I did it all anyway. I listened to them scream, and I laughed."

Cas wanted to reach out and touch Dean, but he didn't dare. He knew that Dean was awake, he knew that this was real. Something had broken inside of Dean and he was reliving all of his nightmares. 

"God I hated myself when I came back. I still do. Sam is better off without me. All I do is hurt people, the people that I love. Look at what I've done to you."

"Dean..."

"Don't make excuses for me. Only a monster would do what I did."

\-------------------------

That's when Cas heard a voice coming from the corner of the room, "Castiel, you left before we were able to finish our conversation."

The angels.

"I had something I needed to take care of."

"I can see that. Your vessel is nude and you are in bed with Dean Winchester. What I don't see is how that takes precedence over our conversation. In fact, isn't this the very thing that we were discussing when you left so suddenly? I'm going to need you to come back with us." 

A second angel appeared.

"What in the fuck do you want from me now?" Dean cried.

"Dean Winchester does have a mouth on him. I will allow you to put your clothes back on before we leave."

Cas could feel his heart pounding in his chest. "I can not go with you."

The angel laughed, "poor sweet Castiel, he thinks that he has a choice. I will give you one more chance to put your clothes on, but either way, you will come with me." 

"And if I don't?"

"I can take you by force, you are aware of that."

Cas could still hear Dean mumbling on the bed, but he didn't know what he was saying.

"Yes, I am aware."

"So it would probably be in your best interest, and possibly Mr. Winchester's best interest if you come willingly."

Cas grabbed his clothes, "leave Dean alone."

"I'll make no such promises. The clock is ticking Castiel."

Cas threw his clothes on, "promise me that you will leave Dean alone."

The angel nodded once, "We need to leave."

Cas pounded on the wall separating their room from Sam's and screamed Sam's name. He unlocked and partially opened the motel room door before the angels were able to take him.

\-------------------------

Sam heard the pounding on the wall and was starting to get annoyed. He didn't know what in the hell Cas and Dean were up to, but they needed to keep it down. That's when he heard Cas scream his name. He threw his clothes on and ran to their room. The door was hanging open and Cas was gone. Dean was in bed alone sobbing and mumbling. Sam closed the door behind him and went to his brother.

"Dean?"

"Hey Sam, you just missed Cas. He went home."

"Home? Dean, what is going on here?"

"I attacked him, Sam. I held him against the wall and I attacked him. I told him that I was a monster. I told him that a long time ago, but he wanted to believe differently. He wanted to make excuses for me." 

Sam pulled a chair over to the bed and Dean sat up, wrapping the blankets around his waist.

"Dean, what happened?"

"I just told you, Sam. I attacked him. I love him, but I held him against the wall and I hurt him."

Sam was scared. He knew that Dean was awake, and he knew that Dean was telling the truth. Where in the hell was Cas?

"Did I ever tell you how time works in hell? When I came back and saw that I had only been gone for four months, I couldn't believe it. Four months is forty years down there, Sam. Ya know, I hadn't thought about that for a long time, not until tonight. The first thirty years were bad, the cutting and the burning, the things he said to me. Maybe he was right about a few things, maybe you are better off without me. If I hadn't come to school and begged you to help me, you would have finished college and had a normal life."

"Dean, that's all behind us now. I don't regret my life."

"That's because I didn't give you a choice. I've always made you feel guilty for leaving me. I've asked myself if I should have just stayed down there. He let me off the rack Sammy. I tortured souls, and I was good at it."

Sam cringed. Dean had talked to him about his time in hell once, but he didn't go into this much detail. 

"The sound of the screams, it became music to my ears. What kind of monster does that? I thought that I could get past it. I told Cas that if he sent me into that room with Alastair that day, he wasn't going to like what came out. I proved that to him tonight. I'm sorry that you didn't get to say goodbye, but he isn't coming back. Not after what I did."

"Where did he go, Dean?"

Dean sighed and ran his hands down his face, "ironically enough, after our little scuffle he helped me into bed and left with some angels. Quite a night, eh?"

"He'll come back, Dean."

"Doesn't matter, Sam. I could never look him in the eye again anyway."

The room went silent. Sam didn't know what to say or do. He could tell that Dean was slipping, but he didn't know how to stop it.

"Sam, did you know that they send children's souls to hell? Not very often, but they do. Fucked up, right? I actually froze the first time I saw one, but Alastair showed me what to do. You had to treat them all differently. The men, the women, the children." Dean started to shake, "Sam, help me up. I need to get into the bathroom." Sam could feel him start to heave when he wrapped his arm around his shoulder and helped him. Dean kneeled in front of the toilet, violently retching while Sam went and found some clothes. When Dean was finished, Sam helped him get dressed and got him back into bed. "Water, Sam. Can you get me water?" By the time that Sam got back from getting a glass of water, Dean had already fallen asleep. 

Sam watched his brother thrashing and moaning for hours. The sheets and pillow were soaked with Dean's sweat. 

"Sam?"

"Yeah Dean, I'm here."

"Why did you kill Alastair?"

"He was going to kill you, Dean."

"You should have let me die." Dean started sobbing uncontrollably. 

Sam wanted to know where Cas was. He didn't know what had happened in this room, but he couldn't imagine Cas just leaving Dean like this. Sam spent hours helping Dean to the bathroom, wiping his face with a wet washcloth, getting him water, and listening to him relive every single moment that he had spent in hell. Sam was sickened by some of the things that his brother had been through, the things that he had done. Cas probably couldn't help him at this point anyway. 

"I'm losing my fucking mind Sam. Seriously. Maybe this is all a joke, just another part of Alastair's grand scheme. Let's give Dean Winchester his life back. We'll put him through some shit to make it more realistic, but we'll fix his relationship with his brother and just to sweeten the deal, let's make him feel like maybe he's found someone that he really cares about. But the punch line is, none of it is real. I'm still there and he's waiting for the perfect time to break me. Is that what this is Sam? Is he breaking me? I never came back, did I? Nobody comes back."

Sam was trying to stop the tears from running down his face. Dean was losing it.

"Don't cry Sam, It's going to all be over soon. Seriously. I figured it out so all we need to do is wait." Dean leaned back against the headboard and closed his eyes.

Sam got up and started pacing. He quietly slid Dean's gun off of the table and put it in the back of his pants. Dean wasn't suicidal, Dean was spiraling.

Dean had drifted off again when Sam heard something thump against the door. He went outside and found Cas unconscious. He picked him up and saw that he was beaten and bloody. The only clothes he had on were his pants and shirt, which was missing most of it's buttons. Dean had said that he attacked Cas, but he couldn't imagine his brother doing this. He carried Cas into the room and laid him on the other bed. He thought about laying him with Dean, but he didn't know if it would do more harm than good and he didn't want to risk it. He didn't feel Dean wake up and get out of bed.

"Did I do that to him?"

Sam turned around, "No, Dean. I found him like this outside."

Dean just looked at Cas, tears pouring down his face. "I can't believe that of all of Alastair's cruel jokes, he would be one of them."

"What are you talking about Dean?"

"The way he brought me peace. I knew what he was doing, Sam. You both tried to hide it from me, but I knew. I finally fell for it. I knew how he felt about me and I finally let myself feel something back. And then I hurt him. Look at him. Maybe I didn't fuck up his face, but can tell you that his entire body is bruised, and a lot of that is on me. Hopefully this all ends before I have to watch him wake up. Before I have to see the way he looks at me. But, since we both know that it's a cruel joke, it won't. I'm going to have to face him, Sam."

"Just fucking finish this!" Dean yelled down at the floor. He pulled the chair around to face the other bed and sat down to watch Cas sleep.

\-------------------------

Cas felt dizzy when he started to open his eyes. He didn't know what time of day it was, he didn't even know what day it was. It took him a minute to figure out where he was. He was laying on the bed in the motel room. He rolled over and groaned, his head was pounding. He saw Sam in the distance pacing, and Dean was sitting in a chair right next to the bed, dozing. He tried to move, but everything hurt. His painful groan must have been what woke Dean up. Dean and Cas locked eyes, neither one of them saying a word. Sam glanced over and saw that they were both awake, but he didn't dare bring attention to himself, so he kept pacing and watching them out of the corner of his eye. Dean reached out to touch Cas, but pulled his arm back. 

"So how does this work? Am I supposed to apologize or just sit and see how miserable you are before all of this is over? What do I do here?" he asked softly, his voice shaking.

"How does what work, Dean?" Cas asked quietly. 

"This ultimate torture. I just want it over with. I get it now."

Cas tried to turn his head to look at Sam. He finally caught Sam's eye, and Sam just shook his head. 

"What are you talking about, Dean?"

"This, all of this. You. I'm happy. I'm finally happy, but it's not real. I never came back. Alastair created all of this so that he could take it away from me, but he made sure that my last memory of you was me hurting you after I promised you that I never would."

"Dean, Sam killed Alastair."

"That's just part of the act."

Cas struggled to sit up, "Dean, this isn't an act. I pulled you from hell. You have a scar on your shoulder in the shape of my hand. I have touched it and kissed it numerous times. If Alastair were going to create a world where you were happy, just to take it away, then why would he have let it last this long? Why would he have let all of the bad things happen? We both know how demons work. I'm sorry Dean, you're a Winchester and all, but you aren't worth this much time to somebody like him." Cas reached forward to take Dean's hands. Dean pulled away from his touch. "Okay, knock that shit off, Dean. We are going to get this figured out because you are not going to lose it and go crazy on me. Not now. I can't let you."

Sam stopped walking and turned his head, he'd never heard Cas talk like that before.

Dean had never heard it either. "What?"

"You're not in hell and this isn't a cruel joke. You did horrible things down there, Dean. I know that. I know about the women and children. I know that you hate yourself because you believe that you enjoyed it, but you didn't. You convinced yourself that you did so that Alastair wouldn't put you back on the rack. I pulled you from the pit, and I remember it clearly. I asked you to get answers from Alastair, something that I regret to this day. It gave you nightmares, horrible nightmares. Do you know how many nights I spent by your side to stop them? To bring you relief? Did you know that it was actually Sam who asked me to crawl in your bed the first time because he finally saw first hand how bad they were? I don't think that any of us expected that you and I would become lovers, but it happened. That's when the nightmares stopped, Dean. The first time you touched me."

"What about the last time, Cas?" Dean whispered, finally reaching out to hold Cas's hands.

"I don't know. Something inside of you broke. All of those nightmares that I worked so hard to stop came back before I got here."

"But I..." 

"Dean," Cas said softly, "that wasn't you. I know that it wasn't, and you're not going to carry it around and hate yourself for it. Let it go."

"What happened after..."

"I got you into bed, I tried to help you, but they came for me."

"The angels..." Dean whispered.

"I didn't want to go, but they threatened to harm you if I didn't so I got Sam's attention and went with them."

Dean looked back at Sam.

"I went rogue, Dean" Cas continued. "I ignored all orders and they intended to punish me. That's why I was late getting here. I got away before they could, but it didn't take them long to find me. They know that you are my weakness. That's why they threatened to harm you if I didn't come with them. I couldn't let them hurt you, I had to go with them."

"So what were you doing outside?" Cas and Dean both jumped at the sound of Sam's voice. He hadn't said a word since Cas woke up.

"That's where they dropped me off."

Dean reached up and touched Cas's face, "I didn't do that to you? They did?"

"Yes. And they stripped me of my wings and grace."

"Meaning?" Sam asked.

"I'm not an angel anymore."

"I'm sorry Cas."

Cas just looked at Sam, "I'm not."

Dean got up from the chair and went to Sam. "Listen, I'm still all kinds of fucked up here but can you give us a little time. I know that you have my gun, and I get it. If it makes you feel better to hang on to it for now, then go ahead. You can take the car keys too."

Sam nodded and reached out to hug his brother. "It's going to be okay Dean. I'm right next door if you need, well Cas already knows how to find me." he glanced at Cas and left.

When Dean turned around he saw that Cas had limped his way into the bed that they had shared and laid down. Dean went to him. "I don't know if I should sit or lay or hold you or leave you alone. I don't know what to do here Cas. I'm all fucked up."

"So am I, Dean. Just lay with me, please. I'm not an angel anymore, I need to sleep now and I need you next to me."

Dean crawled into bed and pulled Cas into his arms. Cas fell asleep on his chest and Dean cried. He didn't know which way was up. He was so lost, so confused, and he still hated himself for so many things.

\-------------------------

Sam checked on them a few hours later and saw that Dean's eyes were red and swollen, he'd obviously been crying. Cas was just waking up. Sam went and got a washcloth so that Dean could help Cas wipe the blood off of his face. Dean was so gentle with him. 

"So, uh...you guys hungry?"

Dean realized that he didn't even know what day it was, he didn't know how long it had been since he had eaten. "Starving. What about you?" he said, looking down at Cas. "You're stomach has been growling for at least an hour now."

"Is that what that means?"

Dean actually chuckled, "Yes, that's what that means." He looked over at Sam, "Apparently we're both hungry. I'm not feeling too picky and this guy has never had to eat before. But nothing green and leafy."

Sam smiled and pulled the keys out of his pocket.

They heard the car pull away and Dean rested his cheek against the top of Cas's head. "I'm scared, Cas. I'm really fucking scared."

"Why?"

"Everything is still blurry, kind of surreal. Am I having a breakdown? Have I totally lost it? I'm just scared."

"Dean, you're broken. I watched it happen, but it isn't anything we can't fix, okay?"

"Why are you here, Cas? I know that you blame yourself for a lot of things, I blame myself for a shit ton of things, but why did you come back to me?"

"You are everything to me, Dean. Plus, I chose you over heaven so now it's your job to teach me how to be human." he smiled.

"That's a lot of pressure. Sam better get burgers if we're going to give you a proper first meal."

Sam showed up with pizza, and pajamas for Cas.

\-------------------------

It had been a couple of weeks. Sam had run some credit card scams and learned the finer points of online gambling. The cut over Cas's eye and the split in his lip were healing and his bruises had faded. Dean had started to forgive himself but still woke up at night crying sometimes, Cas would hold him and rock him until he calmed down and they could both sleep. 

It had become routine that after dinner, and usually a movie, Sam would tell Cas and Dean goodnight and close the door behind him, leaving them alone. Dean always wrapped his arms protectively around Cas and pulled him to his chest, resting his cheek on the top of his head. Sometimes they would talk, sometimes they would just lay like that until they fell asleep. 

\-------------------------

Cas knew that Dean was still awake even though the room was dark and silent. "Dean?"

"Hhmm?" Dean murmured sleepily.

Cas wiggled out of Dean's arms and reached over to turn the lamp on. Dean opened his eyes and looked at Cas, "What's up baby?" he asked softly.

Cas just leaned up and kissed him. They hadn't done anything other than hold each other since the night that the angels took Cas. Cas knew that Dean was afraid to touch him.

"Are you sure? I mean, you're lip..." Dean wanted Cas so badly, but he didn't want to hurt him any more than he already had.

"My lip is fine Dean. I'm fine. I miss you..."

Dean looked into Cas's bluer than blue eyes, "I miss you too." 

Cas leaned up and kissed Dean again, turning off the lamp before wrapping his arms around him. Dean pushed Cas back against the bed gently. He leaned back and slid his hand against the side of Cas's face, running his thumb along his cheekbone. He bent down and kissed Cas again, sliding his tongue between his lips. Cas moaned and ran his hands up the back of Dean's shirt, pulling his lips away long enough to push it over Dean's head and drop it on the floor. Dean was trying to control himself, but he was already hard. He pulled Cas's shirt off and started kissing him gently across his shoulders and neck. He placed a kiss at the base of Cas's throat and could feel Cas's hands roaming all over his body. He couldn't resist Cas's hands. He slipped in between Cas's legs, trying not to put too much weight on him. "I'm not going to break" Cas whispered as he pulled their bodies closer. Dean had missed this, he had missed feeling Cas's skin against his. He slid down his body, kissing and softly biting, Cas was already hard. He pulled Cas's boxers down his legs until they dropped onto the floor and wrapped his hand around his cock. He could feel Cas moving around. "Dean?" Cas whispered. Dean ran his tongue across the head of Cas's cock, "Yeah..." He felt Cas grab his wrist and place the bottle of lube in his hand. He froze for a moment before he sat up,

"Cas...no. I can't."

"Why?" Cas reached out and started running his hands up and down Dean's chest.

"You know why..."

Cas struggled to sit up until he was on Dean's lap, holding him chest to chest in the middle of the bed. "Dean," he said gently, "we have to move past that. I want you. I want to feel you. You can't be afraid of me forever."

"I'm not afraid of you Cas..."

"You can't be afraid of yourself. I want to be as close to you as I can tonight." he leaned in and kissed Dean deeply. "Please Dean. I need this. We need this."

Dean knew that he was right, he had to trust himself as much as Cas trusted him. He pushed Cas back against the mattress and wiggled out of his boxers. He slid the pillows under Cas's hips, his heart pounding in his chest. He had to make this right. He had to clear his head of everything. He nervously dripped lube onto his fingers and slid them against Cas. He bent down for a deep kiss, pressing one of his fingers inside. Cas moaned and pushed his hips against Dean's hand. Dean ran his fingertip across Cas's sweet spot and felt Cas cry out. He worked the second finger in and started moving them both. Cas started rocking his hips, "Dean...please..." Dean covered his cock in lube and pulled his fingers out. He pressed his head against Cas and held his breath while he slid himself deep inside. He felt Cas gasp. "Are you okay, baby? Am I hurting you?" Dean could feel the tears well up while he ran his hands gently up and down Cas's chest. "You're not hurting me. I want this, Dean. I want you. That's all I've ever wanted." Dean could feel the tears start to slide out of the corners of his eyes and he pressed his body down against Cas's, slowly rocking his hips. "I don't deserve you" he whispered before he pressed his lips gently against Cas's. Cas moaned and dug his fingers into the flesh of Dean's back. Dean reached between them and wrapped his hand around Cas. He stroked him softly while he rocked gently against him. He wanted this to be good for Cas. He wanted Cas to be happy. It had been so long for them. Cas was so tight and eager that Dean didn't know how long he was going to last. Cas came quickly, calling out Dean's name. Dean could feel himself building with a few more gentle thrusts he exploded. He let his body sink against Cas's and buried his face in his neck, holding back tears. "Are you okay?" he whispered. Cas reached over and turned on the lamp.

"Dean, look at me."

Dean lifted his head. Cas reached up and wiped his tears away, "What's wrong?"

"You have literally been to hell and left heaven for me. You spent hours by my side, trying to help me, trying to save me. You have never given up on me, Cas. I don't understand why."

"I know you, Dean Winchester." Cas whispered, his hands cradling Dean's face. "You've lived your life being angry and bitter, but you have never turned your back on me. Your hands are the first and only ones that I have felt on my body and you touch me in ways that I never expected you to. You are gentle and tender and concerned about my happiness. You cleaned me up after my brothers beat me almost to death. You cried and held me those first few scary nights. You have not left my side. You came back from the edge of madness for me, Dean. You are my world, and I know that you can't give yourself to someone like that, but I know that you would do anything for me, and that's everything. I'm new to this whole 'human' thing and there's a lot that I still don't understand. What I do know is that when you call me 'baby' or wrap your arms around me, when we make love like we did tonight, in those moments I am your world, and if moments are all I get then I'll take them." Cas could see the tears welling up in Dean's eyes again. "Dean, don't ever feel like you should be able to give me more. You give me more of yourself than you have ever given to anyone, and that's how I know that you love me."

Dean bent his head until his forehead rested against Cas's, "You're right, Cas. I do."


End file.
